Dear Diary #1 - Adulthood

im an adult, but i don’t feel like one. i thought i would by now, but it hasn’t happened yet. when it comes, will i know? is it recognizable?

does it feel like an epiphany - finally waking up after being asleep in an adolescent-adjacent slumber. a “come to” moment where things start to make sense and snap into place. is it similar to when i get a new prescription for my glasses and the world looks sharper. brighter. defined.

or is it just heavier, more weights put on my shoulder. no respite being found, with my only solace being a glass of wine and a depressing masturbation session. bills racked up, money stretching to the point of breaking. the stress that my parents have over the lights, cable, gas, and food is beamed onto me, and it alights me from within. the sky looks grayer, everything tastes duller, and the days go on repeating themselves.

or maybe it’s fine, just fine. maybe it’s no different. does anyone feel like an adult? i think once i get a job, make a career for myself i’ll feel like one. but i know people who have that and they still don’t feel it. does it happen as we age and we readily settle into our role? do i have to get farther away from my adolescence to not feel like i’m stuck in its sequel? do i have to gain more material wealth to feel as though my time’s been well spent?

or is it just biological and there is no “feel” to it at all.

i’m not sure.

is anyone?

-l.c.